Heartbreak

Have you ever been in love with someone you pictured your life with just to realise it was nothing but lies from the start? I have, and let me tell you, it fucking hurt. 

Let me start at the beginning. Back in 2011 I set up an online dating profile on the ever so famous Plenty Of Fish. Surely you’ll all have heard of that one at some point or another? Well, I spoke to a few guys, but on March 1st is when I started talking to this one particular guy. We had so much in common – music, films, tattoos, kids, problems. I’m not gonna lie, I fell in love with him almost instantly. Crazy, right? Well, we talked for almost a month before I finally got to meet him. He made the trip to mine to stay overnight. Initially it was only supposed to be one night he stayed but he ended up staying longer. I know what you’re thinking, crazy taking him home after just meeting him for the first time. To be fair, I felt like I’d known him my entire life. I was so comfortable with him. We spent so much time texting, on the phone, and on webcam – back in the day when MSN was still a big thing. 

We had a very turbulent and full on relationship. I was convinced this was the guy I was gonna spend my life with. We talked about marriage, kids, the future. As you can guess, I fell pregnant quite quickly into the relationship – This was planned. Looking back now I can see that it’s probably not my smartest move. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. To be honest, I wouldn’t change a thing about it now. I’ve got the most wonderful little boy as a result. 

I never had any cause for concern with our relationship since we spoke all the time. I trusted him completely. What a mistake that was. Imagine my disbelief when I found out he was with someone else throughout the entire relationship. Yeah, you read that right, the entire time. How he managed to pull it off for so long I don’t know. Why aren’t some guys happy with just one person? 

So, yeah, 3 months pregnant and we split up. I wasn’t playing second fiddle to anyone. I had more self respect at the time. I have never in my life experienced heartbreak like it. I sunk into a really deep depression for a while after it. Started self harming again. Yes, I self harmed when I was pregnant, but it was better than the alternative. It took me a good while to get over our relationship. Four years on and I still have difficulty trusting guys. Sorry guys, I know there’s decent ones out there. 

That is the one and only time I have fell head over heels in love with someone, only to be broken by it mentally and emotionally. I struggled for a long time after the break-up. I felt like I’d lost my identity. I lost sight of who I was because I became so fixated on him and why he done it. 

I’m finally ready to move on. I found myself again, and I’m in a happy place thanks to some amazing friends and family. 

Dear ….

You used to message me constantly, now I barely hear from you. I wonder if it’s because I was too forward with my feelings? It was hard enough for me to tell you, knowing full well it was just one sided. I tried to create some separation between us. You would just keep messaging me though, which I quite liked. That’s when I thought ‘oh, he must like me’. The only thing is, now all that effort I put into creating some separation has worked. I can’t take it back. I can’t take back my fear and worries. It’s always there, in the back of my mind. I didn’t expect to miss you as much as I do though. Well, miss talking to you. 

I can’t help but wonder if it’s when I opened up about my past? That’s about the same time you started being distant. It was a lot to take in, I understand. I just didn’t expect it to have any effect on you. 

Could it be that you’re dating someone? All these thoughts consuming my mind. I don’t know what to think. I don’t want to ask you either because I’m afraid of the answer. I can’t possibly tell you all this. How much of a weirdo would that make me? Haven’t known you that long and here I am spouting this bullshit. You’re better off out it. 

It was hard enough being rejected by you a first time, I wouldn’t like to feel it again. Doesn’t stop me from coming back for more. You’re the first person in a long time to make me feel good about myself, to make me happy and give me things to smile about. Your sense of humour might be bizarre but I like it. Even with your ‘old man clothes’ I still find you rather sexy – yep, sexy. You have an old soul. 

I don’t know if I can go from talking to you all the time to barely speaking at all. I don’t really have a choice, but I’d rather not. I thought joining an online dating site would divert my attention from you, but it’s not helping. Having to move on from something that never happened despite wanting it to.

I guess I’ll just have to get on with life and try and forget about you in that way. Not think about what the future would be like if you were in it. 

The day my life changed

April 27th 2012, the day my life, and everything I considered normal, changed. Me perspective on life and the things I let worry me. 

Jacob, my youngest son, is the most adorable, strong, patient (to a certain extent) little boy. He looks healthy enough, but looks can be deceiving. To look at him wouldn’t think there was anything wrong with him, that he has to take several medication daily. He certainly doesn’t let his illness hold him back any. 

You see, Jacob, was diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis when he was five weeks old. This was something I’d never heard of before his diagnosis. The course of his life and mine both changed in an instant. It was no longer worry free, care free. I didn’t know what the future held for him. There was routine to think about, marination, physiotherapy. The amount of information I got that day was totally overwhelming. 

I was numb for the first few weeks. I didn’t know what to feel. I couldn’t feel anything. I didn’t know what to think. I guess I was lost. Soon that turned to guilt, because I blamed myself for his illness. Cystic Fibrosis is a genetically inherited disease. One faulty copy of the gene from each parent gave him a 1 in 4 chance of being born with Cystic Fibrosis. It just so happened he was that, a 1 in 4 chance. He was a statistic. It wasn’t long before my guilt turned to anger. Anger towards his ‘dad’, the one that’s never met his son because he’s a complete and utter twat. After a few months I went through, what I can only explain as grief. I was grieving for a child that was alive and well. I was grieving for a child that was alive and well. I was grieving about the ‘normal’ things we take for granted. The thought that I could potentially outlive my son. It was heartbreaking. I struggled to cope with the enormity of what his life now entailed. What he would have to endure over the coming years. I just seemed to carry a dark cloud about with me. I spent so many nights crying myself to sleep. It just seemed that it would never lift, but it did eventually. I found hope. 

I used fret about things that could potentially harm him. Things that I had absolutely no control over. I was worried about him growing bugs and how that could affect him. I soon realised that his childhood and happiness was more important than anything. I vowed to make sure he lives as normal a life as possible. As normal as medications, treatments, hospital visits will allow. 

He may only be 3 years old and spent more time in hospital than I have in my 26 years but he doesn’t let it get him down. It doesn’t faze him. He still soldiers on through his days with not a worry, a big smile: as children should. He takes his medication most days without a fight, but that’s his normality. He fights his physiotherapy more than he used to but he’s grown stronger. I don’t blame him. He has to go through so much for being so you get. 

I just hope my change in attitude over the last couple of years helps him grow into a strong and independent boy. 

I don’t fret over the life expectancy for someone with Cystic Fibrosis anymore. I just want to ensure he lives a full and happy life. I don’t worry about the medication or treatments. They’re part of his life now. It was hard getting into a routine at first, but now it’s just second nature. 

Jacob is keeping well at the moment. It’s that time of year where he picks up everything going and tends to spend a lot of time ill. He attends hospital every two months for a check-up and make sure that he’s well.  He continues to amaze me with his strength and determination. He’s a very inspiring boy. 
Life is too short to worry about anything. You had better enjoy it because the next day promises nothing. 

– Eric Davis

Deleting messages… 

I don’t know how many times I write messages out and then delete them again. There’s a particular guy that I’m interested in, he’s fun, can make me laugh, everything I need/want in my life right now. I’d love for me to be the one he can’t go all day without speaking to, but in reality, he probably could, easily. How is it possible to miss him when I barely know him? My heart flutters whenever I see his name on my screen, the butterflies are there when I think about him. 
Is it just a girl thing? Do we fall faster and harder than guys do? Is it just because of the type of person I am? I allow myself to feel, easily. Pity I can’t say the same about breaking down my barrier. That’s a whole other kettle of fish. I wouldn’t say that I love or am in love with him, but I would say that I care about him, a lot. 
Whenever there’s a notification on my phone from him, I reply, instantly. Does this make me desperate? I try and play it cool but it doesn’t work. This kind of situation, I don’t know how to deal with it like a normal human being! Help! 

I think it’s safe to say that I definitely like him more than he likes me. This is where my fear of rejection comes in. The fear of being humiliated. The fear of the unknown and taking chances. That’s what life’s about though, isn’t it? Taking chances in the Unknown. It’s real scary, especially for someone like myself. 

Dear Depression

You suck, do you know that? You’ve destroyed my happiness, my self esteem, my self confidence, my ability to trust anyone. You make me feel powerless, resented, worthless, a burden. 

Trying to keep relationships/friendships on a good level is becoming increasingly difficult. I’m making decisions I don’t want to. I’m so impulsive that when you plant the idea in my head, I follow through without thinking about the implications my actions will have. There’s only so many times someone can hear the words ‘sorry’. I’ve recently thrown away a really good friendship, that could have potentially led to a relationship because you’re constantly in the back of my mind, going over the past, making me think I’m worthless and not worthy of anyone. 

How could someone possibly want me? That’s a question I ask myself, several times a day. 

You see, you’re always there. A nightmare I keep replaying. It’s a daily fight to keep myself safe. 

You and anxiety paired together is just a recipe for disaster. I constantly feel trapped, helpless, and alone. I live in fear of the past repeating itself. 

You see, depression, not everyone is the same. Because of you I have to remind myself that I am worthy of people, I am allowed to be happy, I am allowed to live without fear. Then within minutes I’m back to being a mess again. 

Do you know how hard it is to try and regain control when it feels like you’re drowning? I’ll guess you don’t as you make so many people suffer. I’m tired of bowing down to you and your demands. I want to make you stop but even that comes at a price. At the cost of life; that I’m not willing to pay with.

Life changing

I have decided that its time to fully get my life into gear and not just ‘practice’ healthy eating but enforce it into our daily lives. Gonna cut out everything bad until I know for sure that I have managed to cope with the changes and I won’t fall back into submission – it could take a while. Maybe then the odd takeaway won’t seem so bad.

I’m determined to be healthier and fitter. I’m not doing this as a quick fix to get in shape for summer. I’m getting into shape for life. Coping with all the changes I’m making to my life is certainly hard, but knowing that my kids health and my health will benefit greatly from changing our view on food, and being more active is a great motivator.

Many times I’ve went through the fad diet phase and always gained back what I lost. I don’t wanna revert back to that, so it’s game on. This time is for life not just for summer.

My determination is stronger than ever and the only person I have to prove myself to is me. No-one else is gonna care if I fail, but I will.

This is a huge life changing decision for me since I’ve always relied on food for comfort. It’s time to break that nasty cycle and eat healthier. It’s gonna be a challenge, but I won’t fail. Not this time.

I’ve already started off by working out – using insanity to kick start and give me a goal to work towards. My goal is to do the 60 day programme without missing a day. So far I’m on day 18.

I will post on a regular basis with results on my progress.

Birth Story 3

Birth Story – Kaiden

7 days past my due date on Monday the 6th of November 2006 I woke up kinda early, needing to pee, as you do when you’re heavily pregnant. It was 06.45am to be precise. After I’d been to the loo I didn’t fancy trying to get back to sleep so I went through to the living room, plonked the tv on, put music channels on and say on my birthing ball and started to roll my hips back and forward. It would have been just a little after 7am and my waters went – it was finally happening ( I had a sneaky thought it was gonna be the Sunday night, Monday morning and got the kids staying out as a precaution – gut instinct was right). The funny thing was, they hadn’t went properly so every time I moved there was a little dribble more – it was horrible to feel. Anyway, I went and woke my partner at the time and told him to get up and get ready, that I was in labour. About half an hour later he was awake, coffee drank and ready to go. I phoned my mum about 07.45am and told her that we was coming up to get her because I was In labour and we were heading for the hospital.

Left the house, got my mum about 8am and we were ready to set off. I wasn’t totally feeling the contractions – they weren’t strong enough at the time. We took a wee divert to Stevens (my ex – partner at the time) mums and there i had some toast and coffee in preparation for my labour. Just casually taking my time because I had ages yet. We got ready to leave his mums and head to the hospital. Got out to the car and my mum had given me the advice of waiting for my contraction to pass before getting into the car – it was a land rover, so not the smallest if cars to get into, especially mid contraction. My trusty wee towel sat on the seat because I was still leaking fluid – gross, I know! The car journey passed quite quick and we were soon at the hospital!

Finally arrived at the hospital about 11.30am and headed in to be assessed. Seen that I was in progressive labour and decided that I was to head to the midwifery suite. I was excited at the thought of another water birth. This time it was planned. I love it when a plan comes together and goes the way you want it to. I was pacing the floor, again breathing through my contractions. I’m sure the midwifes questioned whether I was actually in labour or not because I just went scarlet every time I had a contraction, no noise! I was glad to have my mum there with me. Midwives said I’d be in labour for quite a while so my mum and I urged Steven to go for something to eat since he was hungry!

It was about 1.30pm and I went into the birthing pool. Again, I only had gas and air for my pain relief, and the water – amazing by the way. Contractions getting stronger. Certainly wasn’t far off giving birth. I was quite happy to have my mum there, but it wasn’t long before I was feeling the need to push and there was no Steven. At this time there was only one birthing partner allowed in the room – I have no idea why! Stupid rule if you ask me. I wanted them both there. Steven had turned up just in the nick of time, so my mum left the room and he came in. I was still in the birthing pool at this point. Breathing, pushing, breathing, pushing – finally at 3.35pm Kaiden was born, weighing a healthy 10lbs 6oz.